So as some of you already know I get to have a hysterectomy pretty soon. I have decided to use this experience as my wake up call. So here's the truth. After we were told we needed to have invetro to have another baby I was crushed! I really didn't know what to think. Being able to have a baby is so much a part of being a women and I define myself as a mother, so having that taken away was the most painful thing I have ever been through. (I know their are women much worse off than I...those who have never known motherhood and my heart aches for them but I am taking about having something and then having it taken away with no reason or cause)
So, Damon and I talked about him having a vasectomy, mostly because we didn't want my fertility to freakishly return when I was 45, but I know in some part of me it was also because I wanted someone else to blame. If he was fixed then it was no longer me that was keeping us from having another baby. But hope can be cruel and crippling and instead of hoping that I could be ok to get pregnant, as I had before his procedure, I found myself hoping that it failed!!
SO every month has been like every month before it. I hope and pray that by some miracle (and that is what it would literally take) that I would get pregnant. I wanted to end the vicious cycle of hope but instead I made it more difficult to bear.
Here's the consequence. Since I found out I have to have this surgery I have been evaluating my life and I realize it's kind of on hold. I have spent so much energy hating myself for my apparent failings as a mother (and a women) that I have actually been increasing my shortcomings. I have an amazing family, just the way it is, and I need to appreciate what I have more than I have been. I need to channel all of my energy into something positive...like all of the wonderful reasons I have for working on my weight-loss goals...and building furniture (which calms my soul)...and finishing school...and of course being the best mom I can to the wonderful children that I do have!
